TEMBA Gazette, Running Commentary, September 10, 2010

Unretouched photo of my car's floorboard on 9/8/10

Some attribute it to Francis Bacon. Others credit John Wesley. Whatever the origin, I’m quite certain of one thing – whoever coined the term cleanliness is next to godliness didn’t own a car.


I bring this up because of the current sad state of my own vehicle. Sure, the almost-vintage Infiniti G20 has served me well over the last ten years, dutifully starting nearly every morning while churning out more than 128,000 miles.

Sadly, in the last year or two, it has started to show its age. There’s the high-pitched whistling sound it emits every time you engage the ignition; and while I’ve found that turning off the AC eventually corrects the problem, who wants to do that during the hot Austin summer? I would rather endure the stares and momentary embarrassment than turn off the refreshing blast of cold air that greets me every time I turn the key.

There’s also the issue of fading paint. What the factory eloquently described as champagne gold back in 1999 is now closer to…well, let’s just say a friend fittingly describes it as more of a dung brown now, though she usually uses more colorful language. Add the cracked windshield, inoperable sunroof, cloudy headlamps, dented spoiler and minor scratches and you get a pretty clear picture of what I’m talking about.

Unfortunately, my car’s aging condition has led to neglect and indifference on my part. I rarely wash it and the interior space has become a personal landfill of discarded items. Just the other day, as heavy rains fell on campus, I offered a colleague a ride to her car, all the while secretly hoping she would decline so that I wouldn’t have to apologize for its unkempt appearance.

Turns out I’m not alone. In a 2008 survey conducted by Milliken & Company, nearly 2 out of 5 drivers admitted that they would be embarrassed to “drive around someone they wanted to impress.” The same survey found that nearly half of all drivers have apologized “for the state of their car’s interior before letting a passenger get in.”

Last night, after a plastic bottle wedged between the brake pedal and floorboard temporarily prevented me from slowing or stopping, I knew it was time to do something – time to show my car the respect it deserves for 10 + years of dependable service.

So, with trash bag in hand, I began the arduous task of clearing the debris from my car’s seats, floorboard, glove compartment and trays. The exercise only took 15 minutes and left me wondering why I let it get that way in the first place. I vowed, then and there, to not let it happen again…and that’s where you come in.

My theory is that if I tear down the façade and let you guys in on what was previously a closely-held secret – the fact that, in some aspects of my life, I am indeed a slob - then hopefully I will be less likely to repeat the messy behavior going forward.

What could be more embarrassing, I theorized, than sharing an unedited inventory list from last night’s clean-up? What deep, dark secrets would my worthless rubbish reveal about me? For the sake of a cleaner car, I decided that this was a risk I was willing to take. So, with some trepidation and embarrassment, I give you the list:


• 9 Disposable Coffee Cups

• 16 Disposable Coffee Cup Sleeves

• 8 Plastic Water Bottles

• 14 Plastic Water Bottle Caps

• 1 Unopened Water Bottle

• 5 Clif Bar Wrappers

• 1 Unopened Clif Bar (Peanut Toffee Buzz, no less)

• 4 Keys (no clue to where)

• 17 Napkins

• 4 Mints from the AT&T Executive Education & Conference Center

• 3 Eight-Ounce Vanilla Milk Cartons

• 5 City of Austin Parking Stickers

• 2 Austin Fit Magazines

• 7 Mechanical Pencils

• 11 Texas Evening MBA Program Brochures (oops!)

• 2 Texas Executive MBA Program Brochures

• 2 Pinpoint Oxford Shirts (presumably to take to the cleaners)

• 3 New York Times Newspapers

• 21 Receipts (one dating back to 2008)

• 5 Business Cards

• 1 Blank CD

• 14 Paper Clips

• 2 Umbrellas

• 1 Stubb’s Wristband

• $1.39 in change (3 quarters, 2 dimes, 1 nickel and 39 pennies)

• 4 Pens

• 1 Built To Spill CD

• 2 Austin Chronicles

• 3 Dead Bugs

• 1 Austin Intensive Schedule

• 1 Banana Nut Muffin (now stale)

• 1 One-Half Yuan Chinese Coin

• 1 Banana Peel (yeah, I know)

• 1 CharlieCard from the T in Boston

• 1 $10 off Oil Change Coupon at Firestone (expired in March)

• 1 Sock (for the puppet show, perhaps?)

• 1 Matchbook from Liberty Bar in San Antonio

• 1 Sample Bottle of Aveda Men Pure Performance Shampoo

• 1 Apple Core (see Banana Peel above)

• 1 Cracker Jack Bag

• 1 Q-tip

• 1 Ticket Stub to the Rider vs. Texas NCAA Regional Baseball Game

• 1 Pavel Podkolzin Rookie Card

• 1 Plastic Spider

A long overdue wash following the clean-up

Sad, isn't it? Would you believe 228? Yep, 228 total items, most of it completely worthless. I have let my car become the mobile version of the Cathedral of Junk.

But that changes today. The way I see it, my car only has another year or two before it’s sent to the junk heap. The least I can do is try to keep it as clean as possible during its twilight years. Who knows, with a little TLC and elbow grease, perhaps my sons could inherit this classic automobile when they turn 16 in two short years.

After all, there’s nothing quite like a screeching, dung brown four-door to impress the ladies, eh? Good luck, boys.